These are the rules posted on the refrigerator in my kitchen. Included on the actual rules on my fridge, are the names of the teens who have been caught offending each rule. Contrary to the effect I thought that would have (shame them into compliance) the teens who show up here, check to see if they’ve made the “offenders” list. And are proud of it! Hmmm, may have to re-think this–however it does get them to read my rules, and when they have “offended” and found themselves temporarily banned–they can’t claim they didn’t know the rules.
THIS HOUSE RULES!
Welcome! We love having you here as our guest. To make sure you don’t piss me off and get yourself banned, this is how things roll around here:
- DRUGS: Don’t even think about it. Zero tolerance. Don’t show up here under the influence! This is a banning offense! And I do know what it looks like when you’re high!
- ALCOHOL: Adults only! Minors are not allowed to play in the liquor cabinet. Don’t show up here drunk and then call your parents to come pick you up, thus giving them the impression you got drunk here (you know who you are)! And if you throw up in my back yard, hose it off!
- SMOKING: If you’re 18 or older and must smoke cigarettes: patio only; use an ashtray; and clean it when you’re done! I don’t want to clean your butts! And please air yourself out before coming in so you don’t stink up my house!
- REGARDING GIRLS: Nothing you wouldn’t do in front of me. Don’t make me spell this out! Just because I overheard you guys discussing blow jobs doesn’t mean they don’t count! (“Shhh! Shhhh! You’re mom’s coming downstairs”–too late I already heard the topic of discussion.) So don’t bring it up in my earshot unless you actually want my lecture on STD’s and having respect for girls! Which clearly some of you need to hear! And girls–you know who you are–stop pinning each other down and giving random, tacky hickeys to each other–I’m running out of arnica!
- PIGGINESS: I have a housekeeper, I’m not yours! Clean up after yourself! Put your dishes in the dishwasher. Throw away your trash–jeesh!
- CRASHING HERE: If you sleep over, make the bed or I’ll make Alex do it! Because we know he ALWAYS makes his bed!
- SHHHH…IT’S LATE: If you’re up late or coming in late, be considerate: don’t slam doors, etc. Then I won’t know what time you really got home! If you wake me from a sound sleep, I’m pretty sure I can’t be held responsible in a court of law for what I do to you. Turn the lights off and lock the doors if you’re the last one up.
- GAMES & DVDs: Put them away for the next person to use. Don’t make me pick up after you—you guys aren’t 3 anymore, stop acting like it!
- THE FRIDGE: I love to feed you, but check with me before raiding my fridge, I might be planning a meal with that item. And Pleeeeze clean up your kitchen messes! Did I mention I’m not your housekeeper?
Let me know if I need to clarify any of the above or add anything to the list–Thank you for helping to keep our house user friendly! Love, Mom
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